Until my heart stops beating
by Lady Jeh
Summary: What do you do when poisoned by a love that mixed with a hatred felt from the intense pleasure until the spasms of death? Femslash Cath/Sara. Don't like? Don't read!


**Until my heart stops beating**  
**Disclaimer:** CSI is not mine.

**N/A: **Thanks to my beta reader Izabella G.D. Without she not there would be fanfiction!

It happened when she let her hair free. It hid her pretty face a little, but it was so sexy! I got to the point that the simple movement that she did while breathing would put me in a delirious stage. I got crazy when she came closer; when she wanted to explain something ... Then I started to do this: ask for an explanation which, by the way, I didn't need, just to be near her ... Excuses for my self-torture, a practice gained over the years together with Sara Sidle. I used to hate her presence, now it is my consolation. I used to disagree with everything she said, but now the resistance is insignificant.

Seeing Grissom snob her; get away from her every time she looked at him, was a torment to me, but that's why I had not experienced the pleasure of seeing her in his arms yet. A perfect romance, where there's no place for anyone else and, as far as I know, where nobody will be replaced. I can see a strong feeling shining in her eyes when she gets closer to Grissom; a feeling similar to the one that dominates her eyes when she sees me. But in the case of Grissom it's love. In my case it is hate.  
Two sides of same coin; love and hate, one inch to the left or to the right, up or down, and  
everything completely changes.

Several times I thought I'd become her friend. A true friend inspires confidence. At least that I have. I have a little more of ease in dealing with people. Even though Sara being the island that she is, I think I could bring myself to be patient. But I soon realized the consequences that this attitude  
brought me. If I was her friend, I would have to listen to her confidences; I would have to hear from her mouth what I, and anyone with more than half a brain would deduce. I'd have to hear how much she loves him, and knowing about their story partially was already pain enough for me. 

I chose the more difficult alternative. The only time that I have her full attention is when I annoy her as much as I can. Her eyes gets on fire and all she sees in front of her is me, no matter where she is or what she is doing. She concentrates all her strength to prove me that I'm wrong. But I am a mistake. My love is a mistake ... The perfect mistake. At once, I almost lost control ... almost. I know my acted exit was not very good, but it was the best I could do at that time. I almost kissed her ... she was so beautiful that I could hardly breathe. We were discussing, of course, and I approached her too much ... I could not resist putting a hand  
on her waist; we were inches apart ... I was about to kiss her when I realized that I couldn't hear her angry voice anymore, only her breathing and, on the backstage - just an echo - the voice of Grissom. I immediately took two steps back. She stammered a bit and continued with her speech as if she had not even seen her boyfriend who had just arrived. I was a coward again ... I said I had a  
headache, that I needed to go immediately ... I was a coward again ... And I got so close! But I should have. 

It's amazing how I still do all this, knowing that every discussion, every look, every touch – accidental or not - is only one more hour without sleep, a sick tear to follow the path down my face. I must be masochistic.

Today I witnessed the scene of my darkest nightmares, and believe me, the pain was greater than the one I'm feeling now. 

I approached the rest room. I thought she would be there. I was sure she was. Before entering, I stopped at the door a bit when I saw that Grissom was going to the same place. I stood watching the scene. He was bringing a black velvet box in his hands, probably from a jewelry store. He handed it to her. Sara's eyes sparkled when she opened the box, her hands gently caressing the velvet. _"I love  
you, Grissom! I love you so much!"_ These were exactly the words that buried a sharp knife in my chest and I was ready to put an end to all of it at that second. 

My teeth clenched. I ran to the bathroom. There, I took a razor in my purse. I was about to put an end to everything. But I did not. I Would not do anything before a final and indispensable act. 

I ran to the locker room. I opened the door of my closet and there was the picture of my daughter. Lindsay could not be alone; would not. I still trusted my mother. I heard the noise of the door opening. It was her, I knew. When she came closer to me, it seemed that she was not really seeing me. I held her firmly against the wall and kissed her. It was short but intense. My tears flowed once again following the same path as usual. She ran away as I thought she would. She ran away holding the salt water that flowed into his eyes. I think I saw her boyfriend on the side of the aisle, because she called him only once and he attended. My knees were too weak to support the weight of my body. I collapsed. Crying, horror, anguish, fear, disappointment, anger ... all at the  
same time ... I had had enough. 

A sharp cut this time. This time, I didn't stop to take courage, as I did before ... It was necessary; in the greatest vein. It burns like fire, it burns like my love ... the difference is that it's being faster than the slow and torturous corrosion which is my passion. It will end soon, I can feel it ... or better yet, I do not feel ... I do not feel almost anything ... Wait: I feel the red liquid dripping from my wrists, but I no longer feel the salty liquid coming down through my eyes; stopped burning. There's a stronger light and a squeak ... steps that are accelerating ... someone will find me ... two seconds and she is hugging me, forcing me against her warm body. _"Cath!"_ I want to scream that I love her, but I get nothing more than a weak voice exhaling half words in one breath: 

"Love... you ..."

**THE END!**

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